The name is Blonde, James Blonde

"Look for the twitch, look for the twitch," cried M, who had now been defaced, de-passworded and left completely perplexed by the how-does-he-do-that, recently promoted, new 007, James Blonde. Between scowling, killing people and getting into Highly Unsophisticated Situations that were so not-Bond (Bond does not get caught like THAT!), Blonde goes on to The Mission for the movie... find True Love and prove to the world how he is human after all. And all this while we thought he was a superspy.

(a) the original 007s were Lady's men and now 00Craig is all for women's equality: surprisingly, despite the rather action-oriented, sex-loving-butt-kicking turn the Bond women had taken in the movies before Casino Royale, our current lady goes all demure, and fires on all cylinders, but only of the brain-cell powered kind.

(b) So does Craig work as the new 007? On a certain level — and given what he was asked to do — yes, we have a new Bond. Last night there was Octopussy on TV; and despite not being a Roger Moore fan, his Bond was the Bond I like: suave, charming, funny, loves his toys and knows his job well. Unlike 00Craig who has no sense of humour, we mentioned the embarrassing situations above, is impossibly gaunt and looks like a guerrila warrior in an Armani or Reid& Taylor or whoever-did-the-suits.

(c) Did someone say toys? While earlier Bonds have always had an array of supertech stuff to save the world with, 00Craig only has this ugly looking Samsung phone, which is this Master Key like thing that can get into any account, crack any password, locate anything...you got the picture. 00Craig even manages to break into M's secret files and all she says is, "How does he do it?" Funny, MI6 doesnt seem too bothered about sensitive information being compromised.

(d) Speaking of M, highly irritating to see her as this flustered woman. First reaction when you see the new M with 00Craig: Dude, the lady is too old for her job. And that's not a nice feeling; M is unflappable. Please keep her like that.

(e) Despite the fact that Bond falls for an Obviously Smart Female: they made her an accountant, she does not know how to shoot guns and even cries when she sees a dead body (and dude, can we have not have Macbeth and cant-get-the-blood-off-my-hands please?!) — it's sad that Casino Royale might actually push back whatever "liberation" the Bond girls had achieved. So all the progress that the Bond girls had made — their looks could kill and so could the chikas (Famke Janssen, Halle Berry, Michele Yeoh) — all comes back to naught. If you want Bad Boy Bonds to fall, you gotta be a lady. Sick.

(f) yea, yea, this was the original book and all that, but was I the only one who thought the movie was confused? Uganda, parkour (SEXY chase scene, why couldnt they keep that pace through the entire movie?), beaches to everywhere it still doesnt sit together. Just too much happening. And when Le Chiffre dies (the investment banker who wants to win huge sums of money to fund international terror), you feel that the movie wraps. The pace suddenly falls and the script flounders. That's also the time the director SUDDENLY decides to go in for the romantic overkill and loses his audience. He definitely lost me.

(g) Bond is a superspy, let him BE that. There are too many of us humans around. At least he wasn't boring!

Blasphemy:
00Craig to waiter: Vodka martini.
Waiter: Shaken or stirred?
00Craig: I dont really care.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

I tell you 00Craig is a fraud. Where's my Bond?

Missing, the Madhubala Quotient

I had once asked director Ram Gopal Varma what worked better for him - adaa or attitude. Varma replied, "Attitude," and then said, "What is adaa?" Adaa , Mr Varma, and those who like him either don't know or have forgotten - is the art of coyness, of saying things without using words. It is conveying emotions through gestures... be it the twitch of one's lips, the lowering of the lashes, the flashing of the eyes, a demure smile, a throaty laugh, a mischievous twinkle...
We could go on with the poetic diarrhoea and the entire thing could still be lost on you. To put adaa into perspective and to stick to the word count - think Madhubala.

Madhubala was adaa personified - from her twinkling eyes, to her thousand-watt smile, to her glorious hair, to the structure of her face, and her tinkling laughter - she could be the tragedy queen, the comedienne or the seductress with equal ease. With the release of the digitally reworked Mughal-e-Azam (MEA) last Diwali, Madhubala once again ruled the screen and proved that she could still give the present day heroines a run for their money. Which brings us to - the current day heroines.

If suppose, a Veer-Zaara or an Aitraaz were released 40 years from today, would these heroines have it in them to draw back the audience? Do they have the Madhubala Quotient (MQ)? A pick of the five of Bollywood's top actresses today (talent notwithstanding). Which of these heroines do YOU think comes closest to Madhubala? Mark your favourite on the MQ Meter.

Aishwarya Rai: The Miss World who refuses to let go of her crown. Princess Propah who refuses to do kissing scenes (that's changing we've been told), is arguably Bollywood's most prominent face in international circles. Labelled as Plasti-Queen - for her amazing ability to 'not' emote - she has won a National Award for best actress.

Kareena Kapoor: Miss Foot-In-the-Mouth is a progeny of Bollywood's oldest families. Madam Motor Mouth has more talent with the tongue than on-screen. Everyone agrees she is yet to prove herself; and everyone agrees she is a born superstar. Baby Bebo strives to sign movies that always flop (or maybe because of her) and still manages to bag a cool 2.5 crore.

Preity Zinta: The Dimpled Brat took the cute-act a step further from where Juhi Chawla left it.
She's known for (trying to) changing her looks in her movies. Two of the biggest Bollywood hits of recent times had her in the lead, though the credit in both went to either the actor, the director, the script, the co-stars, the... and we saw her in Veer-Zara and I wansn't really convinced.

Priyanka Chopra: This Screen Scorcher fits into the 'catch 'em young and watch them grow' bracket. Her being pretty works in her favour as it keeps the audiences' attention off her (non-present) acting skills. That said, while most have been surprised with her recent 'rock me baby' avatar, others say it's just a little while before the cub grows up. Her recent Roma act does nothing for us to understand if she can have attitude and adaa both.

Rani Mukerji: Little Miss Perfect never says a bad word about anyone and bags the best roles (that's the secret?). Give her a reasonably good director and this pint-sized actress can pack a punch in her performance. But give her a bad dress designer and she can threaten to spill out or split out at the seams. Now that you have got the brief low-down on your favourites (or even if they aren't!); which of these heroines do YOU think comes closest to Madhubala... and why?

The Departed: Eats, shoots and leaves

Oh Bloody Baby OH! Whattafuckin movie! Read on....
1. Never miss a chance to see a Scorsese's film on the big screen.
2. Dont miss The Departed on the big screen.
3. You can always buy a pirated CD -- but since I like Scorsese and particularly recommend this one --- lets wait for the original DVD, yeah? Once that is out -- buy the movie.
4. WHAT FUCKING AMAZING CASTING!
5. As with Scorsese, you get to see another sizeable chunk of Irish living -- those who want to break out of their bloody inheritance and those who learnt to live with the scars and show them off too...
6. Do not talk at all during the movie -- you are likely to miss out on some excellent fuckin lines.
7. Mark Wahlberg and Jack Nicholson have the best lines.
8. What Bollywood must learn -- When you gotta blow someone's brains out, Just DO IT, dont waste time saying Don ko pakadna...
9. Be prepared for the twist in the movie. And the twist in the movie!
10. Watch out for some cool lines to try on your boss or the Colleague You Absolulely Cannot Stand. Wahlberg tells you exactly how to say those too.
11. Bollywood villains: Please take tips on how to be perfectly sleazy from Nicholson
12. Storyline and narrative: taut, gripping, involving the audience and yet keeping a step ahead and keeping them engrossed. The characters and their motivations and attention to detail to every single person is fucking brilliant. And look at the casting! Three of the hottest young stars -- would not have been easy handling different egos. Scene transitions dont smack of any special technical briliance and that's the brilliance. Transitions are very smooth.
13. What happened to the letter Will Costigan writes for the Good Doctor?
14. Matt Damon is no nonchalantly, charmingly fucking evil, you want him REAL bad. :)
15. the use of close ups, spotlights, shadow play and then sudden pan shots...all in the same scene makes you sit up...then the twist makes you fall off your chair.

Since Bollywood will copy the movie, here are some friendly suggestions:
Mahesh Bhatt director
Action sequences by Ram Gopal Verma
Script and screenplay by Farhan Akhtar and Anurag Kashyap
Background score by Sandeep Chowta and Paki band Strings, Menwhopause's Father Monologue for chase sequences
Mark Walhberg = Akshay Kumar;
Matt Damon = Saif Ali;
Leo DiCaprio: Shiny Ahuja/Aby Jr.
Jack Nicholson = though the obvious choice for a sexy old man is Amitabh Bachchan, how about an unobviously sexy man? Boman Irani!!! I can almost see him as this crude, trying to be suave, absolulte psycho, mob-boss bastard... "Do you have your period yet?" haha/
Alex Baldwin = Anupam Kher and
Martin Sheen = Amitabh Bachchan.
Enough! Lookin forward to a second watching....